As a Latina woman, setting boundaries was not something that was ever taught. On the contrary, I was taught to listen to adults and not talk back.
At a very early age “being good” meant that you listened to what elders told you to do and you were bad if you went against their wishes.
As I became older, I challenged the norm and wanted to have my own voice, but I did not realize how entrenched, or ingrained what I had been taught growing up really was.
Realizations As An Adult
When I became older and was involved in intimate relationships, I soon realized that I had never really set up those ironclad boundaries that keep you from losing yourself in relationships. I was actually looking for acceptance from partners by being “the good girl”. The good girl meant forgetting about myself and focusing on others. I did not know how to say NO.
Fighting like hell to be heard, or succumb to a quiet life of frustaration and desperation. – Wendy Frias
A person without personal boundaries will be at the will of anyone she meets or has a relationship with.
You may realize your lack of personal boundaries may be an issue when you are in a relationship with a narcissist or people who prey on the vulnerability of others. You may notice that you begin to feel like you are losing a part of yourself or your identity to please your partner.
Quote: Learning to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others- Brene Brown
Healthy relationships are a give and a take. We compromise and come to an agreement that works for everyone.
Healthy Boundaries are set to ensure the emotional well-being of both people involved
Realizing that boundaries can change based on who you are and who you become is crucial. What you needed from a partner or friend at 20 will change when you are 40.
Whatever you are willing to put up with is exactly what you will get- Unknown
5 Steps To Setting Your Personal Boundaries
Finding Your Voice
The first step in building your boundaries is to create a relationship with yourself. You have to really know who you are and what you are not willing to tolerate from other people. Something as simple as knowing what makes you happy and what makes you unhappy is a good place to start. Once you know who you are, no one can ever challenge your boundaries. Self-awareness is key.
“When you are saying yes to everyone, make sure you are not saying no to yourself:- Paul Cohelo
Learning to say No
For some of us women, it is difficult to say no. I still struggle with this sometimes. You don’t want to seem like a bitch or not a team player. But always bending over for others or doing things you really don’t enjoy will eventually build resentment and hate toward yourself or others.
Easily compromising your values
This goes in tandem with learning to say NO, and knowing yourself. You have to be aware when you are pushed outside your comfort zone. If you feel that something is making you feel uncomfortable, or will put you in a position where you will feel uncomfortable- speak up. Always remember to use your voice and express your feelings.
Everyone won’t like the “New YOU”
The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are those who were benefiting from you having none.” —Unknown.
This quote alone speaks volumes! If someone gets angry because you finally are doing what makes you happy or what may be best for you and not them, this is not someone who has your best interest at heart. Choose your friends and partners wisely and be with people who are interested in a reciprocal and mutually beneficial relationship.
Speak To Someone
If you are having difficulties setting your boundaries speak to a mental health professional or a trusted friend or mentor who can help you work through the emotions that are keeping you from setting your boundaries. Beliefs that you learned for decades can suddenly become a hindrance to your growth. Never feel like putting yourself first is wrong. Sometimes you may have to take a deep dive into those feelings. I have been through this, and even though it was not easy, it was worth it!
Personal boundaries is something I struggle with. I’ve been doing my own work/therapy to help though.
Personal boundaries are very difficult for many of us. Thank you for sharing, I hope this post gave you a few tips!